


Replaying Memories

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [26]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 19:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Filler-y stuff for A Problem of Memory





	1. Alec

Magnus had a client last night. A late night call that stole him from their bed, left Alec smiling as he turned his face into the pillow for the soft kiss to his shoulder, and Magnus' promise that he would be back soon. So when Alec rolls over, and the back of his hand brushes against soft sheets instead of warm skin, it instantly wakes him. He drags himself up to sit, looking around then beyond the room, calling out when he can't see him.

"Magnus?"

His voice is croaky, so Alec clears his throat and quickly jumps out of bed, throwing on the pants he wore yesterday. He's still buttoning them as he snatches up his t-shirt in passing, padding out into the apartment.

Magnus is sat with his back to him staring into a mirror, the tilt of his head suggesting some kind of meditation or deep thought, and for a moment Alec isn't sure he should disturb him.

"There you are," Alec calls out softly anyway as he shrugs into his shirt, smiling when Magnus turns in his chair to look at him.

"Good morning."

Alec takes in the expression on his face and snorts for it, absently pulling down his t-shirt as he tries to figure out what it is that seems so wrong.

"I could say the same," he says, watching Magnus stand, "but it looks like you haven't slept."

Magnus is already smirking, narrowing his eyes as they move towards each other.

"Should I be insulted by that?" Magnus asks, raising and pointing his finger as he clutches on to his teacup.

Alec laughs, because it's such a ridiculous idea.

"No," he replies, "I love that face."

It's the right thing to say for the softness of Magnus' smile. But he has to be honest with him. Something has felt  _off_ with Magnus these past few days, and Alec knows he's let it slide for long enough.

"But this is, like, the fourth morning in a row that I've woken up to an empty bed."

It's true. Them waking up together with soft good mornings and even softer kisses has become Alec's favorite way to start every one of his days. That Magnus looks down, seems to be taking a few seconds before he's willing to look up again, sets off alarm bells for him.

"Is there something bothering you?" he asks, already planning on ways he could help without even knowing what the issue is.

"Nothing is bothering me," Magnus says, and there is that look again, the smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I've even gotten used to your adorable little snores."

"Hey," Alec protests as Magnus lifts his hand to squeeze his shoulder, "I don't snore."

Magnus imitates him snoring, and although it's cute, and normally he'd retort with kisses or tickles or something that will make Magnus call out in joyous laughter, Alec knows deflection when he sees it. He stands with his hands behind his back, perhaps unconsciously trying to call for Magnus' response to be a serious one.

"Look… I know you well enough to know something's going on."

"Alexander," Magnus says in that soft tone that always makes Alec stop in his tracks, "I'm fine."

And then he leans in to kiss him, which is a surefire way of distracting Alec from anything. Though he can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. Particularly for how quickly Magnus walks away from him and changes the subject.

"So, what about you?" he asks. "Have you decided what you're gonna report to the Clave?"

Immediately Alec's thoughts are filled with Luke even if he is watching Magnus' back as he moves. He knows he's made the right decision to let Luke go, yet is still not sure how the hell he's going to explain what's happened. One thing is for sure though, the quicker Valentine is out of the Institute, the better for everyone involved.

"I'm torn," Alec says as he scratches at his face, deciding there is a hint of stubble there that he needs to deal with before he leaves this morning. "If I don't tell the Clave about Luke's attempt on Valentine's life, I'd be in violation. And if they find out, I could be deruned, and just…"

Alec's words fail him, and he's happy that Magnus chooses that moment to turn back around, saving him from fighting to find more of them.

"Whatever you decide," Magnus says as he walks towards him, "I'll stand by you."

It's strange still to Alec that he has Magnus to lean on, that he can confide in him about anything and have him understand. And that he has his unwavering support, that Magnus will listen even if what Alec is worrying over is foolish, is a freeing feeling Alec is adapting to having in his life. It's difficult at times, learning to speak instead of bottling things up, taking it out on a rooftop with arrows fired into the night. But it's worth it for the look on Magnus' face every time he opens up to him about something. So he smiles as Magnus comes to a stop in front of him and squeezes his arm, hoping to offer that same support to Magnus.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Alec asks again, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder.

"Positive," Magnus agrees, reaching up to pat his cheek. "Now. How about breakfast?"

Alec trails Magnus to the kitchen as he calls out all sorts of breakfast ideas, standing and watching as he bends to look in the fridge, and laughing as Magnus straightens up abruptly with a horrified look on his face at some dish they have abandoned in there that apparently is long past good.

"How long has that been in there?"

"I don't think I want to remember," Magnus says with a grimace, quickly snapping and twirling his fingers to make the offending mess disappear. "What do you feel like eating?"

"I don't mind," Alec says as he watches Magnus thoroughly washing his hands, snatching up a dishcloth to dry them before Magnus has chance to. "Do you want to eat here? Go somewhere?"

"Hmm," Magnus says, backing Alec up against a counter with a smile on his face as he leans against him. "I would say here. Then I get to spend more time with you before you have to leave."

"So," Alec says, sliding his hands down Magnus' chest and sweeping them around his back to tug him closer. "You maybe wanna take a shower with me first?"

Magnus smiles a little harder and nods as he leans in to kiss him. "Perhaps in a few minutes."

* * *

"Valentine's Circle rune has been removed and I've assembled my team."

"Good," Alec says as he looks up at Izzy standing in the doorway of his office. "Good. I'll feel a lot better when he's out of the Institute."

"Have you secured Magnus for the transfer?" Izzy asks before Alec even gets back to the line in the text he was reading.

 _Securing a warlock_ for portal work is something he's heard his parents say so many times over the years, but the same words in the same breath as _Magnus_  don't sit right with him. Even if Magnus would argue and reply that _it is just work, Alexander_.

Alec thinks of Magnus coming face to face with Valentine again for any reason and feels sick. He stands, abandoning the report he'd been reading, and heads out of the office knowing Izzy will follow.

"I think we should consider using a different warlock. Catarina Loss lives in, um—"

"We're talking about portaling the Clave's most wanted into Idris," Izzy retorts immediately. "There's not many warlocks with that clearance. Besides, I want the _best_. And that's Magnus."

It's true. Alec knows it's true. Alec also knows that this is one of those moments when he can't shake off being Magnus' boyfriend when making Institute decisions.

"Look. Magnus isn't exactly in a great place right now. He hasn't been sleeping," he adds, and Alec is struck by the easiness of the conversation between he and Izzy. It's not that he ever imagines having difficult conversations with her, but that this is one conversation he never thought he'd be having; discussing his _partner_ with his _sister_ , sharing a part of his incredibly personal life.

"What's wrong?" Izzy asks, immediately concerned. She adores Magnus, and Alec knows Magnus feels the same way about her. In fact, he thinks, letting himself get distracted for a second by pleasanter things, on occasion he thinks Izzy and Magnus message more often throughout the day than he gets to with Magnus.

"I don't know. He says nothing's wrong, but I can tell he's not alright."

They come to a stop and Izzy turns to face him. "You know, some people find it hard to ask for help."

Alec bites back a comment that says he's looking at one of those people.

"If Magnus is hurting, don't let him push you away," she adds, her face full of concern.

She's right, but Alec is also sure he knows Magnus better, is learning the difference between when to push and when Magnus isn't ready to talk.

"Thank you for the advice. But I know Magnus. He needs his space. We can use a different warlock," he adds, thinking again of Catarina, who he has only really spoken to once, and even then very briefly.

Alec then has the urge to talk to _her_ about his concern for Magnus, but it drops again instantly for not wanting to intrude or damage Magnus' trust. He knows Izzy disagrees, but thankfully Sebastian arrives just in time for him to avoid her argument. And then Aline is there, and there's a report he has to take care of, and Alec has to push his worry for Magnus to the side once again.

* * *

Izzy's right. And Alec knew that Izzy was right even before he'd dismissed her words. He has to talk to Magnus, to make him understand he'll listen, whatever it is that's playing on his mind. Alec wills the work he has to do to be done already, leaving the second he is able to and heading straight to the loft.

Magnus is sat in a chair slowly sipping at a glass, his eyes staring straight ahead unfocused, and not even noticing Alec as he walks in. It's only on the second calling of his name that Magnus startles and turns to look at him. It is so obvious that something is wrong that Alec half-curses himself for not insisting on talking it through this morning.

"Well. Hello," Magnus says sounding dazed and nothing like himself as he stands. "I was just about to make myself a drink. You want one?"

Magnus turns to his cocktail table before Alec even has the chance to answer, and seeing the stiffness of his back is just another reminder that Magnus is shutting him out.

"No," Alec says, turning and throwing his jacket over a chair. "We're transporting Valentine to Idris."

Magnus turns around still clutching a bottle. "Even more reason. We can toast to Valentine's highly anticipated departure."

Once more Magnus shows Alec his back, and it strengthens his resolve.

"I love you," Alec blurts out, watching the way it makes Magnus pause from pouring. "And I know something's wrong. Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

The cocktail shaker in Magnus' hand as he turns is like a shield, Alec recognizes the posture. "I appreciate it," Magnus says, already turning away, "but I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Alec argues. "I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna leave until you talk to me."

Magnus looks so uncertain, standing half-turned from him and glancing back over his shoulder then at the table to his side. Alec thinks it's a break in his resolve, and pushes a little more.

"Do you remember when you said, _when things get crazy, don't push me away_?"

Magnus' head falls forward, his entire body slumping in defeat. He takes a moment to put the shaker back on the table, then slowly turns around to look at Alec, looking more lost than Alec has ever seen. His fingers are tangled as though he doesn't know what to do with his hands. Alec has the urge to reach out and hold them but doesn't want to do anything that will stop Magnus talking.

"When I was tortured, in Valentine's body, that agony rune, it… made me relive my worst memory."

Alec has half-suspected this entire thing has something to do with Valentine, and for _his_ part in it, hasn't known how to push. He curses himself for it, watching Magnus struggle to get his words out, and drops his hands to his sides, ready to reach out and hold Magnus the second he lets this guard down that he's built up over the past few days.

"And now," Magnus adds, his voice beginning to break as he tries to control it, "I can't get it out of my head."

Magnus can't even look at him, Alec realizes, and wants to follow him when he turns away, but stands still, hoping he'll find a way to keep talking.

"Every time I close my eyes, it…"

Magnus' words fail him as he sinks back into his chair, and Alec takes that as his cue to move.

"Hey," he says, falling to his knees in front of Magnus, "what is it?"

Alec crosses his arms across his body, still torn between reaching out and giving Magnus space, and pleads with him silently to speak.

"Remember I told you how I found my mother dead by her own hand?" Magnus says, and it's the last thing Alec thinks he's going to hear, only nodding in encouragement. "My stepfather found me shortly after. He screamed at me. He called me an abomination."

"What?" Alec says, refusing to think of such a word being associated with Magnus.

Magnus' laugh then is cold and self-deprecating. "He was right."

Again Alec wants to hold him, adjusting his arms a little but otherwise keeping still.

"He blamed me for her suicide," Magnus continues, and Alec can almost see him reliving the moment for the anguish in his eyes. "He said that she hated herself for giving birth to a monster."

There are tears budding in Magnus' eyes. How anyone could ever think of Magnus as a monster is beyond Alec's understanding, but he knows he has to get this all out, so doesn't voice that thought out loud.

"So I lashed out," Magnus says, his voice trembling. "With all the magic I had."

Tears are beginning to make their way down Magnus' cheeks, and Alec itches to reach out to thumb them away.

"I burned him, Alexander. Right where he stood. I murdered my stepfather."

Alec refuses to believe it, shaking his head even as he opens his mouth to speak.

"You were just a boy. You weren't in control of your powers."

Alec knows it's the wrong thing to say for the way Magnus' expression flickers.

"Yes," Magnus chokes out, "actually, I was."

They make eye contact for only a second, and then Magnus is dropping his head in shame.

"I never wanted you to see this… terrible, ugly side of me. Of my past," Magnus adds almost as an afterthought, already pinching at his nose and trying to compose himself as though that is the only thing he's allowed, to get his words out and not be comforted for them.

It's nowhere near enough for Alec, who reaches down and squeezes his hands.

"Hey," he whispers, watching the nervous way Magnus raises his head. Does he think he will see him any different? Alec raises his hand to cup Magnus' head, thinking about what he wants to say to soothe him. Because this is a big deal, and he doesn't want to trivialize it. But he also doesn't want Magnus to dwell on it any longer than he already has done. "There is nothing ugly about you."

Magnus looks so desperate to believe his words. Alec stares back at him attempting to show just how much he means them, then falls forward, and wraps him up in a hug. Magnus grips hold of him tightly, still with a tremble in his arms. Alec doesn't know how long they sit there like that, doesn't even care that there are things they both should be doing. He doesn't move until he feels Magnus shudder, before pressing a kiss to his shoulder and pulling back.

"Hey," Alec says again attempting a soft smile as he reaches out to take Magnus' hands. "How are you doing?"

"Oh," Magnus says with a false smile as he turns and looks away. "Just fine for confessing that I'm a murderer."

"Magnus," Alec says, needing to say this before Magnus can ever say that to him again, "even if you were in control of your powers. You were still just a kid."

"I—"

"A kid who was… scared of what his eyes meant," Alec adds, taking his words from conversations they've had about Magnus' childhood. He raises his hand to cup his face, then leans in to kiss over his eyes. "A kid who just lost his mom. Who was… lost in the world. Whose _stepfather_ just accused him of something that was way beyond his control."

"It's still—"

"It still happened," Alec says, pressing a long kiss to his forehead. "But there is nothing you can tell me that will ever make me think that you are in any way _bad_."

"I've done things, Alexander—"

"Haven't we all?" Alec says, trying to make light of it by shrugging. "I'm not letting you make yourself some kind of… villain. For something that was so out of your control."

Magnus' face crumples again, and once more Alec pulls him into his arms, cradling him gently as Magnus cries himself out. When he pulls back this time he tries to make light of it, bracing his hands on Alec's shoulders as he stands and turning away, already snapping his fingers and waving them at his face. When Alec stands to join him, Magnus' make up is perfect.

"Well—"

"We have a prisoner we need a highly-skilled warlock to transport," Alec says, standing straight and clasping his hands behind his back. "Izzy says we have to have the best. And that's you."

"You're biased—"

"Izzy said it," Alec retorts with a teasing smile. "I already know you're the best. But Izzy… Izzy's a pretty good judge of character on these things."

Magnus' smile is a weary kind of affectionate that tells Alec all he would really like to do now is sleep. "Then. We shouldn't keep her waiting—"

"Magnus," Alec says, reaching out to grip his waist before Magnus can get too far. "Don't think we're done here."

"Alexander—"

"Tonight," Alec whispers, crowding closer and kissing him, "when this is done. You and I are coming back here, silencing our phones, and shutting the whole world out. And you're gonna talk to me. About… anything and everything. Your mom's favorite dress, or… what you liked to eat as a kid. Places you've seen that we really need to go to sometime. Everything."

Magnus nods, and sags against him, his entire body speaking of relief. "Okay."

"Nothing you ever tell me is gonna change how I feel about you. Nothing," Alec repeats, backing it up with a firm kiss.

Magnus' smile is a tortured, wistful, and at the same time thankful one. He leans in for one final kiss, then stands straighter and clears his throat. "I need just a few minutes and then I will be ready."

* * *

When Valentine is standing before them Alec's instinct is to throw himself in front of Magnus to shield him from his view. Valentine's words get to Magnus even though they are nothing but unpleasantness from a bitter man who knows where to hit hardest. Once he's through the portal and those guarding Valentine are gone, Alec watches Magnus standing a little in front of him with his head bent, hating what all of this has done to him.

"You doing okay?" Alec asks as he discreetly rests his hand on Magnus' lower back.

"I'll be fine," Magnus says with a curt nod and a softer smile.

"Let's just… get confirmation that he's secure in Idris, then we'll go. Okay?"

Magnus nods, squeezing Alec's fingers out of the sight of those still around them, and turns to wait with him for news.

* * *


	2. Magnus

He can smell her perfume. Can still feel the breeze around him that's flickering the candles scattered around her bedroom, making their flames dance. Magnus has been calling to her for a while now, looping in and out of their home in search of her, and that she's asleep in bed so early is a surprise to Magnus. Makes him worry that she might be sick.

Magnus peels back the sheet knowing immediately from the way her hair is over her face that she really must be sick. She's always so perfect, so beautifully presented no matter the time of day or the occasion. But then the blood wicking into the white of her dress gets his attention, and it's several seconds more before he notices the knife.

Magnus screams, though it's not the sight in front of him that brings him back to his apartment, but the soft voice of Alec calling to him from behind.

"There you are," Alec says, smiling when Magnus turns in his chair to look at him.

"Good morning," Magnus replies, a slight flip in his stomach for how at home Alec feels here already. It eases some of the burden of the memory that refuses to leave him, and at the very least gives him a much prettier sight.

"I could say the same," Alec says with a soft laugh as he looks him over, "but it looks like you haven't slept."

Magnus is already smiling for it, narrowing his eyes as they move towards each other.

"Should I be insulted by that?" he asks, clutching on to his teacup as Alec comes closer.

"No," Alec replies, "I love that face."

Magnus does not preen. But he does smile harder as he takes another step towards him.

"But this is, like, the fourth morning in a row that I've woken up to an empty bed," Alec adds.

It's true. Them waking up together with soft good mornings and even softer kisses has become Magnus' favorite way to start the day, already used to the space Alec occupies in this apartment, as well as in his heart and his head. But he hasn't been able to lay there in bed beside him, no matter how much he wants to curl into his chest and feel his arms folding around him, a sleepy kiss pressed to his head. He can't let Alec know that he is struggling, because then he'll have to tell him what is playing on his mind.

"Is there something bothering you?" Alec asks, apparently already aware that there is something not quite right for him.

"Nothing is bothering me," Magnus says, immediately searching for a way to deflect Alec's concern as he reaches out to squeeze his shoulder. "I've even gotten used to your adorable little snores."

"Hey," Alec protests, "I don't snore."

Magnus imitates him snoring anyway, indulging in teasing him for the laughter it dances around his eyes. Not for long enough though it seems, for the immediate return to concern in Alec's expression.

"Look… I know you well enough to know something's going on."

"Alexander," Magnus says, "I'm fine."

And because he wants to bring an end to the subject before his words come tumbling out, Magnus leans in to kiss him. It's nowhere near long enough to distract him, but for how he's feeling, he needs just a little more time to compose himself.

"So what about you?" he asks, immediately glad for knowing the perfect change of subject. "Have you decided what you're gonna report to the Clave?"

Magnus walks away, unable to face Alec entirely when he's hiding something like this from him. It isn't that he doesn't think Alec will listen, but he can't help worry that he won't understand. Or worse, that he _will_ understand, and see him exactly for the monster that he is.

"I'm torn," Alec says with a heavy sigh. "If I don't tell the Clave about Luke's attempt on Valentine's life, I'd be in violation. And if…"

Alec's words fade out, and Magnus is immediately back in his mother's bedroom, looking at the blood seeping into her dress.

"Whatever you decide," Magnus says as he turns and walks back towards him, "I'll stand by you."

Alec still isn't buying it, still searches his face over _looking_ for something.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Alec asks again, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder.

"Positive," Magnus agrees, reaching up to pat his cheek. "Now. How about breakfast?"

Magnus calls out all sorts of suggestions for breakfast as Alec trails behind him to the kitchen. He opens the fridge door to ponder the contents, disgusted immediately that there is a carton of moo shu pork turning a sickly shade of green. He stands up quickly as the smell hits him and pulls a face, slamming the fridge door closed.

"How long has that been in there?" Alec asks with laughter in his voice.

"I don't think I want to remember," Magnus says with a grimace, quickly snapping and twirling his fingers to make the offending mess disappear. "What do you feel like eating?"

"I don't mind," Alec replies, and Magnus can feel him watching as he scrubs his hands clean. He reaches for a dishcloth but Alec beats him to it, drying his fingers without breaking eye contact or losing his smile. "Do you want to eat here? Go somewhere?"

"Hmm," Magnus says, backing Alec up against a counter with ideas other than breakfast as he leans against him. "I would say here. Then I get to spend more time with you before you have to leave."

"So," Alec says, sliding his hands down Magnus' chest and sweeping them around his back to tug him closer. "You maybe wanna take a shower with me first?"

Magnus smiles a little harder and nods as he leans in to kiss him. "Perhaps in a few minutes."

* * *

He keeps searching for her. Magnus keeps walking and walking and forever finding her laid lifeless in her bed. He calls out repeatedly, only to find himself back in the very same place again. He's been sipping his way through cocktails all evening and not one mouthful has taken away the bitter taste in his mouth for what he keeps seeing, no matter how many times he tries to blink it away.

He's been following her all day. For several days now, in fact. Her ghost is everywhere he turns and her long-forgotten voice calling out to him in accusation. He hears her now, cursing him for the monster that he is, as he silently pleads with his mother to see who he really is, and to love him for it, not hate only what he has the potential to be. But he _is_ that monster, he is, he—

"Magnus."

Magnus startles, so jarred for his past jutting up against his present that he takes a few seconds to arrange a weak smile on his face. He doesn't know when Alec arrived, but tries not to let him see just how surprised he is to see him.

"Well. Hello," Magnus says as he stands, demanding that he sound more like himself. "I was just about to make myself a drink. You want one?"

Magnus turns to his cocktail table before Alec even has the chance to answer. He can feel him watching his every move, and it makes him even more on edge. He half-wants to ask Alec to leave until this nightmare passes, but doesn't know if shutting him out is any fairer than letting him in.

"No," Alec says, and Magnus hears him throw his jacket over a chair behind him. "We're transporting Valentine to Idris."

Magnus turns around still clutching a bottle, injecting false excitement into his words. "Even more reason. We can toast to Valentine's highly anticipated departure."

Magnus turns before Alec can see the look on his face and begs himself to hold it together, just long enough for Alec to be gone.

"I love you," Alec blurts out. It freezes Magnus in his tracks, not knowing if he should put the cocktail shaker down or just keep himself busy. "And I know something's wrong. Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

Magnus clutches the shaker again as he turns around. "I appreciate it," he says, already turning back again, "but I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Alec argues. "I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna leave until you talk to me."

Magnus tries to find the words to make Alec believe his lie. But then he does the unthinkable, and uses his own words against him.

"Do you remember when you said, _when things get crazy, don't push me away_?"

Defeated, Magnus' head falls forward. He takes a moment to at least attempt to compose himself, then slowly turns around to look at Alec. Alec is determined, and Magnus knows in his heart of hearts he is truthful when he says he isn't leaving. Though will the words he has to say to him now have Alec spinning on his heel, leaving this apartment never to return again?

Alec deserves his honesty. Even if there's a chance he might lose him for it. It isn't fair to burden him with the truth, though it's no fairer than keeping it concealed.

"When I was tortured, in Valentine's body, that agony rune, it… made me relive my worst memory." Magnus blasts out, sucking in a breath before he can keep going, wishing the words were now already out. "And now, I can't get it out of my head."

Magnus can't even look at him, finds his feet turning him away from Alec yet again.

"Every time I close my eyes, it…"

Magnus' words fail him as he sinks back into his chair, and Alec takes that as his cue to move. He's so soft with him, Magnus thinks, his heart breaking a little for the thought he might be about to harden it against him for what he has to confess.

"Hey," Alec says as he falls to his knees in front of him, "what is it?"

Magnus watches the way he folds his arms across his chest as though he's shielding himself from him, and doesn't blame him in the slightest.

"Remember I told you how I found my mother dead by her own hand?" Magnus says, already picturing her again. "My stepfather found me shortly after. He screamed at me. He called me an abomination."

"What?" Alec says, with gentle disbelief in his voice that makes Magnus ache.

Magnus' laugh then is cold and self-deprecating, because he doesn't deserve such gentleness.

"He was right. He blamed me for her suicide," Magnus continues, knowing Alec must be able to see the pain in his eyes. "He said that she hated herself for giving birth to a monster."

There are tears budding in his eyes. Magnus is trying so hard to hold them in, but they are going to spill at any second, no matter how hard he fights against it.

"So I lashed out," Magnus says, his voice trembling. "With all the magic I had."

Those tears are beginning to make their way down Magnus' cheeks, but he barely feels them, already lost in the memory of the anger from his stepfather turning to fear as he walks towards him. Raises his hand. Feels his entire body surge with power, and hatred, and strength. Watches the man writhe in agony before collapsing to a charred heap at his feet.

"I burned him, Alexander. Right where he stood. I murdered my stepfather."

Magnus can't look directly at Alec, though still catches him shaking his head.

"You were just a boy," he says. "You weren't in control of your powers."

Another surge of guilt and self-loathing descends on Magnus, pressing him into his chair.

"Yes," Magnus chokes out, "actually, I was."

They make eye contact for only a second, and then Magnus is dropping his head in shame.

"I never wanted you to see this… terrible, ugly side of me. Of my past," Magnus adds, already determined to compose himself now the damage is done. He needs to be strong if this is the thing that's going to send Alec away. He's earned it.

Alec's hands cradle his own, their warmth and weight reassuring. But Magnus can't bring himself to look at him.

"Hey," Alec whispers. It's so gentle, so careful, that Magnus has to look up. He lifts his head slowly, telling himself he's prepared for whatever revulsion he sees on Alec's face. "There is nothing ugly about you."

It isn't true. He doesn't deserve such love, such affection. But Alec apparently isn't backing down for the way he stares back at him, before falling forward and wrapping him up in a hug. Magnus doesn't mean to, doesn't mean to sink into it, to allow himself to fall into Alec's embrace. But he grips hold of him tightly, trembling in his arms, now terrified to let go of him.

Magnus feels like he could hold on to Alec like this forever, safe in this little bubble where they don't have to talk. But there is still so much talking to do about this, so many more hard words they have to get out if they're going to get past this, in whatever way that might be. Magnus shudders as he begins to pull away from him, pressing a kiss to Alec's shoulder before pulling back.

"Hey," Alec says again attempting a soft smile as he reaches out to take Magnus' hands. "How are you doing?"

"Oh," Magnus says with a false smile as he turns and looks away. "Just fine for confessing that I'm a murderer."

"Magnus," Alec says with that tone that is gently disapproving, "even if you were in control of your powers. You were still just a kid."

"I—"

"A kid who was… scared of what his eyes meant," Alec adds with a raised eyebrow that says he remembers the conversations they have had about his childhood already. "A kid who just lost his mom. Who was… lost in the world. Whose _stepfather_ just accused him of something that was way beyond his control."

"It's still—"

"It still happened," Alec says, pressing a long kiss to his forehead. "But there is nothing you can tell me that will ever make me think that you are in any way _bad_."

"I've done things, Alexander—"

"Haven't we all?" Alec says, trying to make light of it by shrugging. "I'm not letting you make yourself some kind of… villain. For something that was so out of your control."

Magnus' face crumples again, and once more Alec pulls him into his arms, cradling him gently as Magnus cries himself out. He doesn't mean to lean into it, to need Alec so much. But he does, and that Alec is still here with him despite all he's just shared is unbelievable to Magnus. He keeps forgetting that he has someone to lean on now, who won't pull away just because things get tough.

Though they do have things to do, Magnus tells himself, reminded of Alec's words about Valentine's transfer, and trying to prepare himself for that. He pulls back again, bracing his hands on Alec's shoulders as he stands and turning away, already snapping his fingers and waving them over his face. When Alec stands to join him, Magnus' make up is already perfect.

"Well—"

"We have a prisoner we need a highly-skilled warlock to transport," Alec says, standing straight and clasping his hands behind his back in that military-like stance that says he's serious. "Izzy says we have to have the best. And that's you."

"You're biased—"

"Izzy said it," Alec retorts with a teasing smile. "I already know you're the best. But Izzy… Izzy's a pretty good judge of character on these things."

Magnus smiles, wishing he had more energy to inject into it. "Then. We shouldn't keep her waiting—"

"Magnus," Alec says, reaching out to grip his waist before he can get too far. "Don't think we're done here."

"Alexander—"

"Tonight," Alec whispers, crowding closer and kissing him, "when this is done. You and I are coming back here, silencing our phones, and shutting the whole world out. And you're gonna talk to me. About… anything and everything. Your mom's favorite dress, or… what you liked to eat as a kid. Places you've seen that we really need to go to sometime. Everything."

Magnus nods, and sags against him, his entire body feeling lighter than it has in days. "Okay."

"Nothing you ever tell me is gonna change how I feel about you. Nothing," Alec repeats, backing it up with a firm kiss.

Magnus smiles again, tries to make it a more genuine one. He leans in for one final kiss, then stands straighter and clears his throat, needing a few moments alone to compose himself. "I need just a few minutes and then I will be ready."

* * *

Magnus tries not to show that he's affected for seeing Valentine stood before them, keeping his shoulders squared and his head held high even if he's crumbling inside. Alec is a warm, solid line by his side, close enough to bump against his arm as he speaks to Valentine.

Valentine's words are childish, and petty, though they still leave a bad taste creeping up Magnus' throat. He conjures the portal and avoids eye contact with everyone, even turning his back a little to Alec as he waits for his face to rearrange itself behind a mask.

"You doing okay?" Alec asks as he discreetly rests his hand on Magnus' lower back.

"I'll be fine," Magnus says with a curt nod and a softer smile, even if he doesn't quite feel it.

"Let's just… get confirmation that he's secure in Idris, then we'll go. Okay?"

Magnus nods, squeezing Alec's fingers out of the sight of those still around them, and turns to wait with him for news.

* * *

 

 


End file.
